Do You get Along With Mom?

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Mother and daughter relationships can be tricky. Did you have a good relationship with your mother when you were young? How about as an adult? While talking with a good friend recently, she confided that when she sees social media posts such as, “Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mom. You were my best friend and I miss you every day,” it’s hard for her because she never had that kind of relationship with her mother. Neither did I, so posts like that leave me feeling a bit cheated.

I was the rebel

I was never able to talk to my mother about anything. I was the youngest child. The independent one. The one Mom couldn’t control. The rebel. To say our relationship was rocky is an understatement, which makes March, the month of her birthday and her death, tough. Mom died on March 10, 2021 — ten days shy of her 96th birthday — of complications from COVID-19. What saddens me most is that I didn’t get to see her for the entire fifteen months before she died due to COVID restrictions. I never got to say goodbye. Mom lived in Pennsylvania, so each year we made trips from Massachusetts to visit her. In 2019, the last time we saw her was Christmastime, and then COVID hit in January 2020. The nursing home/assisted living facility where she lived, understandably banned visitors once the pandemic broke, and that remained the case throughout that year. I don’t know how they managed to keep COVID at bay as long as they did, but strict guidelines about visitors and deliveries worked because they kept the virus out until Thanksgiving. But once inside, it spread. Mom got it and never fully recovered.

I hang on to memories of our last conversation

When I think about the time we lost due to COVID, I hang on to the conversation Mom and I had in June of 2019. I had found out what I believed was the real reason our relationship was adversarial and strained. What I learned is a topic for another day, but the news was devastating for me. Life-altering. I needed to talk with her about it, but I knew her memory was fading so I sought counsel from some former colleagues of mine who worked with dementia patients every day. They were, in fact, part of the care team that initially diagnosed Mom’s cognitive decline. Mom’s short-term memory was poor, but she still had a tremendous ability to recall events from her past, especially the things that weighed heaviest on her mind. My former colleagues told me it was okay to talk with my mother, but they suggested that I speak with her earlier in the day to prevent the effects of sundowning, speak with her alone so she wouldn’t feel ganged up on or bullied, and not allow anyone in the room who might fly off the handle and make disparaging remarks.

Our last talk was healing for both of us'

During my visit, I spoke with Mom alone for over an hour and the clarity of the details from her past amazed me. She told me in detail about the things that made her proudest in life, what made her feel the most ashamed, and the reasons why, what I had learned, happened. After our conversation, I still had a lot to work through, but I left feeling less devastated because I had a better understanding of the circumstances. Our talk brought a tremendous amount of healing to both of us.

Sometimes we just need to listen

Before I left, I told my mother that I loved her and hugged her. Glancing sideways at the floor with a slight smile, she said, “I love you too,” and then she looked into my eyes and said, “Maybe even a little more now.” Mom’s eyes were apologetic, but at the same time, lighter in spirit. Mom felt ashamed, but I’m not ashamed of her or the choices she made. I wasn’t in her shoes, so I have no right to judge. Things happen in life. She did the best she could at the time, given the circumstances, and she apologized. I couldn’t say goodbye to Mom before she died, but I have great solace in knowing that she left this earth unburdened from a secret she’d kept for over sixty years — without any judgment from me. I never swore, hollered, called her names, rolled my eyes, or even raised an eyebrow. I just listened, and I think that was what she needed most.

I feel blessed

I wish everyone could have the closure that I had with my mother before she passed. I feel blessed that I had the opportunity to understand because it helped my anger fade, and now I’m filled with gratitude. Is there someone you’d like to understand better? If so, I hope you’ll be able to have that conversation. The key is in the approach. If I’d begun our talk with an accusatory tone, Mom might never have opened up. Sometimes you have to leave judgment at the door and simply listen.

Until next time,’

Jean AKA The Strategic Chicken - Making life’s journey one strategic step at a time